Adam’s Peace

What follows is a record of the major spiritual cusps I have gone through. I am putting them in chronological order, for lack of a better way to organize them.

My first real spiritual experience was when I was six or seven years old. My father brought me out to an abandoned schoolyard, which was slowly turning into a more manicured park by the nearby residents. It was fall, with a full moon, around 8 at night. My dad stood me in a circle on the basketball court, where we had a clear view of a nearby hospital. He started guiding me through creating a sacred space within that circle, then he asked me to choose a window from the hospital where I felt that someone needed the most help. He guided me in forming the sacred place into a cone, and extending it to the full moon. We drew energy from the moon down to us, then moved the cone to go into hospital room that I selected.

I don’t know who was in the room at the time, or what happened to them. I found out later that the floor I selected was where the intensive care unit was, because nearly ten years later, that same room that I selected was the room my grandfather was placed in after major neck surgery. (He was in hospitals after that surgery for six months straight, then would go in intermittently for the next five years until his death a year and a half ago.) I have tried to remind my dad of that night, but he denies remembering it. I have other clues that my father was a closet pagan, such as when he explained that witches were people in a different religion, who were just as good as any Christian. Though my dad denies remembering that night, and has not confirmed ever having been pagan, he has never denied that the events of that night could have happened, nor has he denied being pagan.

This taught me what my heritage is.

About ten years later, when I was 17, I performed a spiritual experiment. I’ve already written about it in the post, More Hard Questions, so I won’t go into too much detail here. At this time, I had been an active member of the LDS church for about five years, and I was starting to get restless, wanting to understand more about spirituality. I created a pantheon of gods, which gained a life of their own the more that I gave them details and personalities.

This taught me the subjectivity of our spirituality, the power of creation, and it was good practice for speaking directly with spiritual beings.

Afterwards, I went on to become a Wiccan… This was also when I joined the Army. I’ve never had a steady group of people to learn from, either because there were none around who had the time/energy to teach me, because there were none who I felt comfortable with, or a myriad of other reasons. I studied alone and over the Internet for the most part, and practiced very little for myself, mostly only for dire needs. I learned how to help other people at great distances, though. I learned how to appeal to those who needed their egos fed without them attaching themselves to me. I learned how to get people to help themselves, though I actually did very little other than identify meanings for symbols, manipulate energy, and use intuitive divination to help them.

I did have one cusp, though… Though parts of the story goes back a long ways, it effected me during the time where I was practicing Wicca in the Army.

While I was growing up, my father would take a weekend every once in a while to walk through the deserts around Phoenix, AZ, where I had grown up. While I was an infant, or just before I was born, he was taking a hike around the base of a small mountain, and he started to feel compelled to walk to a certain point. As he walked, he came to a small valley, where people had dumped a lot of their garbage… Old tires, mattresses, and the like. Among the garbage were two large stones, one red and one black. My father explained that by this time, he only had the barest hint of conscious control over his choices. He felt compelled to pick up the stones (about 50 pounds each) and start carrying them up the mountain… About three quarters of the way up, he found an outcropping of stone that formed a very shallow recess, just large enough for these two stones to sit comfortably. He placed the red one first, and returned with the black one. As he was carrying each stone, he felt as if he were carrying a living being, first its body in the red stone, then its soul in the black one. As he placed the black stone in its spot, a small piece fell off, about the size of two fists knuckle to knuckle, and my father was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. He was allowed to take the piece of black stone with him, as a gift… The stones where a Kachina, the literal spirit of that mountain.

I retold that story one night in a chat room for pagans, and when I finished it, I felt the weight of that mountain around me, and the Kachina told me that the gratitude and gift that was given to my father also extends to me… A man who follows Shinto, Japanese ‘paganism,’ was also in that chat room, and sensed the change in me… He clarified to me that I had a gift to speak with spirits.

September 11th, 2001, also served as a major cusp in my life, as it did for many people.

After that point, I stopped following Wicca primarily, and I became more of a Universalist. I became an ordained minister and helped the people who didn’t have an organized religion to support them, such as the various groups of pagans, or those who were far from their religion’s “church.” After leaving the Army, I moved to a region where the people who were not members of the dominant Christian sect were very well hidden, so my opportunities to minister were few and far between.

Identifying my life purpose was a very important cusp, though it wasn’t based on spirituality. It did, however, lead to another very spiritual cusp.

This one comes from Jeff Lilly. He was also facing a cusp, after visiting the native American tribes of South Dakota, as he had a vision where he couldn’t figure out the symbolism. At the time, I was just starting to apply my life purpose, and I was changing my blog (which was hosted at askTrina.com at the time) from a place to answer random questions (such as why the sky is blue, why printers jam, etc.) to one of personal development and peace. Jeff asked me for help in figuring out the symbolism, so I did what I could. As Jeff was driving home from work that day, he realized the meaning of the symbols, and found my reply email waiting for him with the same explanation.

Jeff’s vision of the Sioux tribe related to his relation with the chief and his wife, and the interpretation showed that, while he loved the wife and the chief, as he wasn’t part of the tribe, the love could extend only so far. Please read both of his articles, as they are among his best.

It was a cusp for me as well, because of the knowledge that I gained from helping. As Jeff points out with the interpretation, the Native American traditions are one of reverence for their ancestry… If I’m to follow their path in any way, I must do it by following the path of my heritage. The same goes for Eastern religions, whose traditions are also those of reverence for their ancestry. In fact, there are very few religions that do not have reverence for their ancestry as one of their principles…

I seem to be at another cusp now… I’m a Universalist; I revere all religions, and even the lack of religion. I feel, though, that I have just seen the surface of each religion, and as long as I keep my distance, I can not experience their depths… If I were to take a cue from Jeff and use a language analogy, it would be as though I have compiled a catalog of the world’s languages, and only identified the most common nouns and verbs. I can communicate with all of them, but I’m not fluent with any. I may always have an ‘accent’ when it comes to religion, but I think it is time to learn one and know it to its depths.

Looking back at the cusps that have lead to this one, I see that my heritage clearly is in European shamanism, especially paganism, and even if I choose a religion that is not my heritage, it would point me back to paganism. I have learned that my strengths are in communication, intuition, and creation. I also have spiritual allies, including an America mountain, a European elf, and an Asian spirit.

The question is, which branch of paganism do I choose? I am done with Wicca, and I have ideas for others to pursue…

Before I make my decision, though, I have one issue to resolve. I must know if I was right or wrong… My issue will appear in my next post.

This post was started about a month ago… I finally got the last piece of the puzzle today, so rather than posting the regularly scheduled message on time management, here’s this one. It’s a long read, but enjoy.

I have been thinking of some of the more difficult questions. “What is the nature of God?” “Why do I smoke?” “Why was I a soldier?” They are all the same question, and it has taken me a long time to realize that.

Answering questions has always been easy for me. Finding the right questions has consistently been where I get in trouble… so I went out and interviewed people who have perspectives that I am interested in… One simple question, in different variations: How has your area of expertise increased your peace, and what advice can you give for increasing joy?

I also played a bit of misdirection with the questions, as I let the interviewees know after they answered. Steve Pavlina caught it very quickly, and I suspect that he has been studying the stage magicians over in Las Vegas. Instead of asking how to increase joy, I asked how to pursue joy… The difference was subtle enough to change the question entirely, as I wanted these people to stress that pursuing joy was as futile as chasing a rainbow; you must bring it out from within yourself. Don’t take my word for it, though; listen to what these people have said.

The Interviews:

Steve Pavlina

Could you please explain how writing on the topic of Personal Development brought you peace in your life?

Writing on personal development doesn’t bring me peace. Instead peace is something I must bring to my writing. My sense of peace comes from realizing that my state of being is a choice. I suppose the underlying value there is intelligence. I find it more intelligent to be internally at peace than to be conflicted, so I make it a high priority in my life. Then I can work from a state of peace instead of for it.

What recommendations would you make to others who would be willing to follow your example in regards to pursuing peace?

Peace isn’t something you pursue. It’s something you create. It’s a conscious choice. You can choose to create peace, or you can choose to create conflict, stress, or other states. When you consciously chose peace, you take different actions than you would otherwise. Mainly you stop doing those things that give rise to a lack of peace. For example, instead of arguing with others, you accept them as they are and allow them to be. This isn’t an overnight process of course — it takes practice — but it is a learnable pattern that produces positive results.

Steve points out a few key concepts here, very neatly packaged into two small paragraphs. Without undue explanation, since I always play the fool when I attempt to put words in his mouth, I’d like to point out a few things. First, peace is a choice, not a result. He sees choosing peace as an intellectual decision, which means that he made a conscious choice to bring it into his writing (as he stated in the second question). Finally, he points out that it takes practice, but I certainly wouldn’t say that practicing peace is any kind of work or chore, since it brings so much joy.

On with the next interviewee.

Ester Wilson: Daily Drawings, Professional Site

I chose to ask Ester Wilson these two questions because art has always been a peaceful aspect of my life. I often feel that one of the first steps to increasing your peace is to take the time to appreciate what is around you, and when you have art around you, it becomes much easier to take that time. I also have some behind-the-scenes experiences in the creative process of art, though I haven’t taken the time to develop my own, vastly limited talents. If only I had asked her sooner; her insights are a real gem.

I’m flattered that you consider me as one of the people to ask these questions. I’m also not sure that I actually have an area of expertise - I feel like a beginner in life at best. But I’m happy to hear that you have been positively affected by some work that these hands have produced. As far as answering your question on art and peace, I’ll do my best:

I make art for the joy of creating something when nothing existed before. It’s the process of letting ideas, images, dreams and feelings merge into a solid form, which is produced on surface in color and value. During the process, my mind is often running a mile a minute, thinking about how things fit together. This “fitting together” is not just relating to images or art, necessarily, but how my life can relate to the bigger picture of life and how I can feel whole within the existence of everything around me. It is a journey of slow steps sometimes, to get to this feeling of completeness, but I get there by making art, and keeping an open mind that is receptive to all the little details that I need to learn in each moment. A drawing can teach me many lessons, which are life lessons if I have an open mind to it. For example, when I draw an outline to create an illusion of a figure on paper, my mind created that line to mark a space where the figure is and is not - a space inside of the figure, and a space outside of the figure has all been created just by a single line. But there are no real separating lines in life, only forms that contain their own space at the same time that they shape other forms around them. It reminds me of the way pressure from an environment will mold things within the environment according to how they can withstand the pressure, like the way that fish are designed a particular way to handle their environment in the most streamline way. I think the life lesson in that line drawing is the fact that we are all contributing to the formation of our environment, so our contribution to it does in fact matter, even if we don’t necessarily feel like it. Which in turn sets responsibility for our actions squarely on our own shoulders for doing the best we can at all times, no matter what it is we are doing.

People don’t need to follow my example to catch a kind of understanding. Creating art (or playing around with paint and brushes) is just where I devote a lot of time and energy, while at the same time, trying to figure out questions of existence and such. My curiosity forces me to look deeper, so I’m always trying to figure out “why”, and “how”, and “what for”. Anyone can reach their own answers to their own specific questions with any medium, it only takes curiosity and an open mind to listen to what is available to learn. I would just suggest that a starting place can be to notice things. Notice life. Slow down and pay attention to it as you are in it.

Like Steve, Ester starts her work knowing that she is bringing peace to it, and she finds joy in the process. Her description of how her mind sorts out abstract thoughts while she is drawing leads me to believe that she is entering the much coveted creative flow state that Steve mentions a few times in his blog post, and it seems that being in that creative state is more beneficial to her than what she is actually creating. It is the process, not the results, that are the creation.

Jennifer Lynn

I asked Jennifer because she is on the fast track to finding financial peace, something which very few people can do. Personally, I’m only starting on the path of financial responsibility, so asking her was just as much of a selfish request as it was for the benefit of my readers. I can absolutely agree with her about the feeling of dread that bills give when you aren’t dealing with them responsibly, and as I’m improving, I can see the peace that comes from dealing with them quickly.

Could you please explain how managing your finances and blogging about it brought you peace in your life?

I feel the basic premise boils down to taking responsibility. Previously, I used to dread receiving a bill in the mail. It would immediately be stashed in an ever-growing pile. I’d silently avert my eyes for as long as possible, knowing full well my dire limited financial situation and the havoc that would ensue after paying the darn thing.

I finally reached a point when I thought, “Enough is enough. This helpless feeling is ridiculous. I need to start taking control here.”

I find that when I’m able to understand a concept, it no longer frightens or affects me quite the same way. Thus I began to dig into any information I could find on personal financing. Rationally I knew that there must be some sort of universal laws which govern a person’s ability to wealth and financial peace. I thought, once I can grasp these simple laws which govern each of our money, I will no longer feel helpless and afraid.

I used to live with an extremely limited view that only a select few privileged individuals were able to find financial security. The rest of us were doomed to a lifetime of struggling to remain afloat while coping with the burden of debt.

However, the more I read from different sources, the more knowledge I acquired. The more the veil was lifted.

Suddenly I realized that *I* controlled my finances. And with proper nurturing and respect, my delicate financial seeds would one day brilliantly bloom into a dazzling garden of security.

What recommendations would you make to others who would be willing to follow your example in regards to pursuing peace?

Knowledge is the key that unlocks so much. Through careful contemplation and self-examination, one can find much-needed peace within themselves.

My biggest piece of advice is, become proactive. Actively seek wisdom.

Jennifer didn’t point out to me that she caught the misdirection right away, but she did point out that peace is found within the self, through understanding rather than actively pursuing. Some of the other parts that I found particularly striking and insightful were how she overcomes fear through knowledge, and as she gained more understanding, she was able to gain power over her personal finances and is able to manage them with respect and maturity.

Jeff Lilly

I chose to ask Jeff these questions because he has been an inspiration to me spiritually and intellectually. Discussing symbolism and the deeper meanings of life have helped me to form my current view of reality, and he has challenged many of my more radical musings, as well as reintroduced me to some concepts that I had forgotten about.

1: Could you please explain how your path as a Druid, as well as your study of linguistics, brought you peace in your life?

The greatest way in which Druidism has brought more peace is in helping me get more in-tune with the passing seasons and the tides of life. The seasonal holidays have a way of marking the passing of time in a very visceral way, and holidays that I have passively celebrated all my life, like Christmas, take on a much deeper significance when they’re tied to the march of the Earth. Also, Druidism has given me tools with which to communicate with the gods — and this communication has been of tremendous value to me.

That said, I should note that when I need a quick “shot” of peace, Buddhist meditations are still the most effective for me. This may change as I get deeper into Druidism.

The study of linguistics?… It’s been important in allowing me to place my religious experiences into the wider context of human culture. I could imagine that if I knew no linguistics, and I didn’t have the language = religion metaphor, I might be struggling intellectually to explain my experiences and those of others. Also, it has helped me tremendously to be a better parent, which of course raises the overall peace level in my life.

2: What recommendations would you make to others who would be willing to follow your example in regards to pursuing peace?

Clearly, the best advice would be to get a degree in linguistics, read extensively in comparative religion, study and practice Buddhism in depth, and then become a Druid.

Seriously, my personal path has involved a lot of study, most of it self-inflicted, and I wouldn’t recommend it to everybody. The greatest lesson I have learned about finding peace is that you have to contact Spirit and ask for guidance. Contact Spirit however you like — working within the religious system in which you find yourself is probably the easiest way, but it’s not the only option, especially if your current religious system isn’t working out — but get into contact and listen. It’s trying to reach you, it’s trying to guide you! Meet it halfway, and let it show you the path.

I think that Jeff’s words speak for themselves.

A Few More Thoughts

Before I get to the hard questions of the nature of spirituality, I would like to point out a few recurring themes that I have been coming across this last month. (Edit: Two months ago, now)

First, revenge is never sweet, no matter what form it takes. A couple of weeks ago, my wife (Trina) and I got into a disagreement. I don’t remember what the disagreement was about, probably about the proper spelling of a word, but I do remember that I was right, for once. (It was probably the first disagreement in several months where I actually was right.) I held it over Trina’s head for that day, until she snapped at me for being such a jerk. It seemed that even when I was right, I was still wrong. Well, last night (as I am writing this section, not last night from when I’m publishing it), I had a chance for revenge. Unfortunately for both Trina and myself, I took that chance. Trina was pointing out that she’s not always right, and I pushed the events of two weeks ago into her face, where even when she was wrong, she was still right, because I had gone about things the wrong way. Well, I meant to just point out the ‘facts’ as I saw them, but she read my emotions using intuition in a way that I will probably never understand. (I swear that she is empathic, although she will always deny it, due to how skeptical she is.) I had my revenge by pointing out that she wasn’t being fair, but in order to do that, I had to bring myself much further down below her level.

Second, I would like to talk about my style of getting things done, and what is wrong with it. I have a habit of mulling things over for a long time, thinking about them in the back of my mind. This is great for coming to conclusions quickly, because my thoughts are never still… I’m always working out bits and pieces of problems as I go along, so when I need an answer, I’m already most of the way to it. Unfortunately, this isn’t very effective for actually getting things done, only for solving questions. The habit of sitting back until I’m ready to act means that I rarely act. I’m usually in a state of being almost ready, but not quite. Precession pushes this stillness into procrastination, and it forms a habit. So, for the next thirty days, I’ll be working on doing things as soon as I think of them, and to keep myself motivated, I’ll be making a log of my progress. (The observant will probably have already seen the log pop up a few days ago.) It will help to schedule some time where I look around and figure out what needs to be done.

Finally, before I get into the real meat of this post, I would like to say something concerning peace that I’m not certain that I have made clear before. This is delving a bit into politics, but that isn’t my focus. (Personally, I think that politics is just a way to manage your environment when true peace is impossible, which is why I try to avoid it.) Peace has a few prerequisites. Foremost among them is liberty. Now, you could be chained against a wall and still be able to find peace, because you recognize that everybody has one sovereign place where they are always free: their own mind. Personally, I don’t recommend taking such drastic measures to find the only place where true peace comes from, and very very few people actually do find peace when they are restrained. You must have liberty, even if it is only liberty with your own thoughts, in order to experience peace. There are a lot of things in this world that rid a person of liberty, with war being one of the most obvious. Debt reduces liberty. The impression that ’stuff’ will bring you happiness is very disempowering. Fighting for peace reduces your liberty. Resisting those who would take away your liberty through non-violence and using violence to resist are completely separate, and only one can bring you the liberty required for peace. Violence begets violence, no matter what the intention.

Now, on to the real meat of this post.

I have been asking myself what the nature of God is for a long while. At times, God appeared as the jealous, hateful, warmongering god of Abraham and of the fundamentalists that followed in the lines of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. At other times, God appeared as the Tao, calm, acting without acting, and omnipresent, rather than simply omnipotent. Other times still, God appeared as the dual god and goddess of Wicca, having many personalities, more human than the intangible views of God that many other religions hold. Finally, there still sits in the back of my mind the God of love that I grew up with, modeled after the contemporary Christian view that I knew as a child. There is also one more set of gods that make up God, which are unique to myself.

About nine years ago, just before my eighteenth birthday, I performed an experiment on the spiritual realm. I created a pantheon of gods, and gave them rules that they live by. The primary rule was that each god became the custodian of the souls of those who worshiped them, and as they gained souls, they increased in power. I created a very diverse pantheon, with basic personalities for each, as well as a name, and I was beginning to write a mythology behind them when something strange began to happen.

The gods began to come to life.

Objectively, as near as I could tell, nothing changed. Subjectively, though, everything changed. These gods began to speak to me in my imagination, each one matching their personality, yet adding more flavor than I had given them originally. Two gods, most of all, stood out from the rest; the god who’s purpose was to protect and guide the lost souls, and the god of cruelty and pettiness. They didn’t manifest directly, but as I continued the experiment, I had a lot of coincidences pop up, just as alpha reflections show up before the full manifestation. As it went further, the coincidences became stronger, including the alternator on my truck going bad.

Was I fishing for these coincidences, attributing them to the gods I had created as they showed up? Objectively, I can not say one way or another. Subjectively, though, these gods were real, and used far more influence than the stand-offish gods of the older religions.

What does that say about the nature of God? I’m not entirely certain. I stopped the experiment shortly after my truck died. What does it say about me? That I was young, foolish, and needed to learn a lesson. It also showed me that I had a power that I couldn’t comprehend. As I went on and studied Wicca, I used my familiarity with talking to gods as a stepping stool to talking with spirits and for energy manipulation, though I very rarely used magick to create or attract. Instead, I helped other people to manifest, giving them the impression that I was doing the magick for them, but as soon as I felt their own power, I would let them take over. A lot of people gave me full credit for work that I only facilitated and gently guided. In giving others the ability to use their own powers, I denied myself the experience that I needed for myself.

I turned away from Wicca unfulfilled, but certainly not bitter. I had created my own circumstances, and the religion did exactly as it promised. I left humbler and wiser. I explored Christianity again, but I didn’t find anything that I hadn’t learned about before. I touched on the concepts of a few Eastern philosophies, but I didn’t participate in their religions. I finally settled in as an Universalist, and I ministered to the pagans I knew.

After leaving the Army, I didn’t have anyone to minister to, and the dominant church in the area, which I enjoyed in other regions, was populated by very bigoted, narrow minded people where I had moved to. I turned away from spirituality for a while in order to organize some of my other pursuits, especially education. A lot changed when I found Steve Pavlina’s site, and even more changed when I volunteered to moderate the Spirituality subforum. I finally found a place where people were routinely asking the hard questions and sharing their spiritual experiences openly. Just before Steve and Erin’s forums opened, I found my life purpose. In case you can’t guess, and you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my purpose is to bring peace to everybody. This purpose is tied very closely to my life as a soldier, having seen the demilitarized zone separating North and South Korea, as well as having been a soldier during the attack on the World Trade Center.

This blog is a direct application of my purpose. It is doing several things for me. It allows me to share my ideas for peace with others, and acts as a focus for others to share their own ideas for peace. (But, it can only be that focus if people leave comments. I honestly can not conceive of competition in the goal to increase peace, so if you feel inspired, then by all means, leave a few words.) One plan for this blog is for it to eventually supply some semi-passive income, so that I can move further out and give speeches directly, spreading peace more actively. Unfortunately, traffic is somewhat slow still, and along with the slowdown associated with changing domain names, I still have not received my first adsense check. I am slowly building momentum, though, so the blog will be profitable soon. Hopefully, it will be profitable enough that I can devote my full attention to it soon.

Most importantly, this blog is helping me to learn, and it is keeping me accountable to my own ideals. Because of this blog, I have learned some very important lessons, such as how helpful cleaning is to maintaining joy, and it has pointed out how much I have procrastinated in the past, and how damaging it was. I have also gained a lot of insight into spiritual matters, including the nature of evil, and recently, the nature of God.

I would like to share with you the results of some of my more recent meditations. I’ll start with my most recent one, since it was the most troubling. Last night (again, as I’m writing this section, not from when I am publishing the post), I was writing the section talking about the necessity for liberty to achieve peace. I got stuck on a very difficult question, namely, if the most notable people who have achieved peace have all had to suffer before their realization, then what is the point of pursuing peace at all? If we must feel deep, devastating emotional or physical pain before we come to the realization that we can have peace within ourselves, then is it worth it to even attempt to spread peace?

For several minutes, I could only think of images from the Holocaust, of those walking skeletons and their unimaginable suffering. I remembered the one man who had walked out of those camps, having achieved peace, and I wondered what could possibly make all of that horror worth it. Finally, I entered a meditation, and quested out for a person who had been through the concentration camps. A girl came to me, about 9 years old, with a small red dress, though it was obvious that she had the perspective of someone beyond the veil. I asked her why she went through the Holocaust, and she told me that it was so that the experience can benefit people, both her own soul, and for those who would later bear witness to it.

Now, here was an even tougher question. How could I propose to benefit from anyone’s suffering, even if that suffering was meant as an example? I’m just a computer nerd who likes to wax philosophical, who has seen suffering second hand and decided to do something about it. I’m not worthy to pick up the torch and resist suffering directly; I can only give advice to help others relieve their own suffering.

I posted a question on the forums, and had a troubled night’s sleep. In the morning, I found a few good answers, and here is what I make of it all. Humans go through a cycle of suffering and peace, which strengthens us, just as iron is tempered by alternating heat and cold. If a person receives too much suffering, they commit suicide, just as iron melts when it gets too hot. If the iron is cooled carelessly, it becomes brittle and weak, just as people who do not find peace after they suffer become bitter and cruel.

It is counter-productive to try to speed up the process by causing people to suffer. We do not know how far along the path anybody is, and if we push them too far, we will do more damage than good. It also happens to be entirely distasteful to me to increase anyone’s suffering. So long as the ego exists unchecked, people will experience their own suffering, with no help from the outside world. Bringing peace, however, is the tricky part. That is where the real art is, especially since we must walk such a fine line while doing so. The choice for peace must come from the individual, else there is no liberty, and no peace. At the same time, though, we need to be available to help any who do reach out their hands.

Bringing peace becomes less of a goal and more of a process. I knew before that my work wouldn’t be done in my lifetime, but now I know that it will continue for as long as humanity exists. I don’t see it as futile, since it will never have an end. Quite the contrary, if it did have an end, then it would be futile. Remember that both Steve and Ester pointed out that peace is in the process, not the product. Humanity will continue to grow, which is a much better alternative to reaching a high point, then stagnating.

As for the nature of God. God is subjective. God exists, but perhaps not in a form that we would recognize from Sunday school classes. My experiment with creating gods showed me that I have creative powers, even if those powers are limited to within my own experiences… and I shied away from those creative powers for a very long time. God is exactly as you envision. God is as cruel as you believe. God is as loving as you believe. God is as many separate deities, or as few, as you believe. You create God. Spiritual matters are highly subjective, which is why some people hold them to be as plain as day, while others hold them to be completely farcical. Both are right, because the God which one has created is as real as the lack of God that the other has created. God is loving to those who show love. God is hateful to those who show hate. God is indifferent to those who are indifferent. If you look in the mirror and study yourself, the eyes staring back at you, studying you, are God. Thou art God. You create your reality, whether consciously or not, so you deserve the title, and all of the responsibility and benefits associated.

Of course, that is just my subjective answer. Your own God may have a completely different one.

I was originally going to write today’s post on the topic of journaling, but Jennifer Lynn at Broke-Ass Student tagged me to answer they question, “why do you blog.”

If I understand the purpose of being tagged with a question clearly enough, it means that I should now answer the question, then tag someone else with the same question. I think that sounds fair, since Jennifer gave a nice answer on her own blog, after being tagged by another fellow blogger, who was also tagged with the same question. Unlike email hoaxes, this is a good way to keep the topic moving along, without spreading false information. If anyone else claims that Paul Harvey claimed that Hilary Clinton broke terrorists out of jail, so now I know “the rest of the story,” I’m going to scream. (Please, people. If you are ever forwarded a story, check Snopes.com first. It saves me a nasty email in reply, and it saves you the embarrassment of getting that nasty reply email.)

I suppose that I have just uncovered one of my reasons for blogging. It is so that I can ramble on for a bit about a random topic, such as forwarded email hoaxes. I enjoy putting my thoughts into words, and reading those words later. I enjoy my own wit, and I sometimes re-read my posts in order to enjoy those jokes again. Yes, I am a dork who laughs at himself, which is yet another thing that I find amusing about blogging.

The reason why I blog about inner peace, though, is a very long story. I have already written about it in my post titled Why, but like any story about a real person, small details change as certain aspects of the past gain or lose importance. This seems like a good time to dust off the history behind my purpose.

In my early childhood, I lived with my father and two sisters, every once in a while moving into and out of my grandparents’ house, or sharing a house with one of my father’s girlfriends. I can’t remember a time when I lived with my mother, because my parents divorced when I was very young.

Around the time that my parents divorced, my mother had a boyfriend who would physically and sexually abuse my two older sisters, and physically abused me. I only have a vague memory of a memory about that time, though I know that the experiences affected my childhood dramatically. I have long since forgiven that man, for various reasons. He spent his time in jail, and even now his record haunts him, prohibiting him from getting any jobs that require any level of confidence. I don’t know if he is repentant for what he has done, but he is out of my life, and he can not affect me any more than I let him.

Regardless of how I feel about him now, while I was growing up, I let my self esteem drop several levels. In Kindergarten, I was tested with a genius level IQ. Since second grade, I have done appallingly poor at school, not for lack of understanding, but for lack of caring. I was placed in special education, and I learned first hand just how unsuited the entire special education system is to assisting students who are too smart for their own good. I wanted to learn faster than anybody else, not repeat the same lessons many times. Instead, since I refused to repeat the lessons, I was put into a situation where I had to repeat each lesson twice as often as “smart” kids. Because of my low self esteem, I simply sat silently, letting the frustration build more and more, adding to a self destructive cycle. After graduating from high school, my average IQ score had dropped twenty points from that first test in Kindergarten.

During my school years, I received many labels from psychiatrists and well intentioned teachers. Fortunately, I was never labeled as having an attention disorder, since I clearly learned quickly enough. Being labeled, though, didn’t help me at all. In fact, the vast majority of labels were extremely inaccurate, ranging from having autism, being an idiot savant, or just plain being stupid. On principal even labeled me as a trouble maker in my official records, because other students would pick on me. I still have a real problem with being labeled, which I have recently identified and am working on. The labels that I take on myself aren’t nearly as bad as the ones placed on me, of course, but I still need to work on seeing them constructively.

Also in second grade, my father remarried. My life was a true fairy tale, complete with the wicked step mother. Now, I realize that my perceptions were skewed, simply because it was a major change in my life, and I was a child. Regardless of why I felt that way, I absolutely despised my step mother. It certainly didn’t help that she acted with frustration and anger every time she became stressed. She remains the only person who I have been furious with, where I have lost my temper to the point where I did not understand my actions. I learned that ignorance is not bliss from my step mother, as well as how to clean. The labels that she gave me were the worst of all, ranging around stupid and lazy, and various other forms of those words.

When I was thirteen, I began volunteering at a hospital over three summers. The first year, I worked as an administrative assistant at the main laboratory, mostly stuffing billing envelopes. The second year, I worked in the long term care section, with people who had terminal illnesses or injuries so severe that it took several months or even years to recover. The final year, I worked with the computer nerds, troubleshooting paper jams and running operating system installations. I learned that even the most glamorous sounding jobs always have extra duties. I also learned that giving without the expectation to receive brings far more useful rewards, such as happiness and health.

At my first paying job, as a bag boy at a grocery store, I learned that faking a smile often brings a real smile. I also learned, just from observing the several different managers, that people who feel included in the decision making process will always contribute more than those who feel left out.

After high school (which I graduated half a year late, due to continuing poor study habits), I joined the Army. I joined to get away from my step mother, and to make my father proud. It was hard to leave the house for the first time, but somehow I survived. I learned many, many hard lessons in the Army, and many of those lessons are still being learned. The slowest, most painful lesson that I learned was, no matter how far along in the chain of command someone is, they are still human. This doesn’t just apply to the military, but to any organization. In fact, it is the root to one of the fears that I am still working to overcome. I have a fear of bureaucratic organizations… It isn’t rational, but it does prevent me from making some phone calls.

Well, my first duty station while in the Army was Camp Humphrey’s, in South Korea. I fell in love with the people there, just as I love Americans. I also became an alcoholic, which was a problem which followed me for a few years afterwards. I had my problems, mostly stemming from a fear of authority. One day towards the end of my year there, my company visited the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), the two kilometer stretch of wilderness that separates North and South Korea. It remains the area that has the highest buildup of troops on either side. At the end of the Korean War, the troops on both sides were in a very bloody stalemate… The North’s supply lines were stretched to their maximum, and the South could not fight any further without those supply lines being strengthened by the decrease in distance. For about a year, the fighting was concentrated over that region, simply because if any side advanced, the other side would gain a slight advantage. Finally, a cease-fire was signed at a small camp in the middle of that line, and each side withdrew one kilometer each. The resulting void became the DMZ, which was filled with land mines to replace the people. Other than that cease-fire, no other treaties have been signed, making the Korean War the longest modern war, running over fifty years and still going. While I was visiting the DMZ, I got to enter the building where the peace talks are still held. It is a small building, with a large table in the middle, and a red line painted through the center, marking the center.

That line still bothers me. It is only a line, that anybody can walk over. I myself walked about four feet past that line, as did many of the other soldiers in my unit. (Walking out the door on the north side of the building, though, would have gotten my captured as a prisoner of war.) Yet still, that red line is what holds back then armies of the North and the armies of the South from resuming their fighting, this time with the possibility of nuclear weapons. That red line holds back thousands of artillery pieces from firing a constant rain of steel, and stops medium range missiles from destroying cities. One four inch wide line is all that stops thousands of people from dieing. I felt then, that if I could just erase that line without releasing the armies behind it, the world would be better.

That was when the first form of my purpose started to come out. I knew that fear is just as effective a weapon against war as any out there. If you can not guarantee that you will win a war, it isn’t likely that you’ll start fighting. If you can see the number of troops on the other side, and they’re impressive enough, then the fear of losing will stay your hand. I started to see my best contribution against war as being a statistic, of increasing the number of troops by one, and making certain that anyone who would call me an enemy knew that I was willing to give my life to protect the freedom that I enjoy, and that I was well trained enough to make my life’s price a high one.

I saw the year 1999 leave, and the year 2000 come while I was in Korea. After one year of being in Korea, I was stationed to Fort Lewis, in Washington State. Life went on, and I was trained on newer and better technology. I became more of an alcoholic, and withdrew further into my own fears, with the idea of being a statistic against war being my guidance. After the first year of being stationed at Fort Lewis, I went on leave, and decided to visit my girlfriend, who was living in upstate New York. I had already visited her on leave before, in the middle of my tour in Korea, but this time, I was to spend an entire month with her.

That wasn’t what fate had in store for me, though.

At first, everything seemed fine, and she was happy to see me. As the first week went on, I noticed that things were a bit more strained than usual. By the end of the second week, I knew that something was seriously wrong… Finally, she told me that she wanted to end the relationship, because the distance was too great, and the time between visits was too long. I nodded, swallowed hard, and accepted it. I gave my parents a call later that night, and they bought plane tickets for me to come home. I spent that night, and the next night at my ex-girlfriend’s house, then caught a flight to Phoenix. While I was in the air, my grandfather, who had been in poor health since a surgery three years prior, had entered the hospital again for life threatening pneumonia. I spent that night at my sister’s house, and as I went to bed on that Monday night, September 10th, 2001, I worried about myself and about my grandfather.

We all know what happened the next day.

I was a soldier in the U.S. Army, touted as the greatest army in the world. I was home on leave, away from my duty, away from the people who had sworn to protect the citizens of this country. As I watched those twin towers fall, I knew that I had failed. Maybe I hadn’t failed directly, since I didn’t know of the attack until it was too late to stop it, but I had placed my purpose, my being, around being a statistic to stop attacks like this.

The hours turned into days. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months, and life went on, no matter how painful it was. Heroes emerged, and heroes failed to emerge. The greedy sought power, and the peaceful sought peace. Everybody’s character was put to the test, and we all emerged a little bit older and a little bit wiser. The quiet appreciation of liberty was drowned out by a deafening cry for security.

I watched the first attacks against the Taliban both through the eyes of CNN and from the sensors of national assets. I felt a sense of vengeance that I am not proud of now. The months turned into another year, then two more months saw me training other soldiers in the sandy forests of Fort Polk, Louisiana. I made a phone call to one of my sisters to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, and I found out that she had a roommate. Since I had some leave saved up, I decided to visit this sister, since I hadn’t seen her since joining the Army.

The next month, I took two weeks of leave, visiting the sister who I had not seen for a while for one week, and visiting the rest of my family for the second week. I met Trina, the roommate, and fell in love. I took a week of leave a month later, and decided that I wanted to marry her. I took the final week of leave that I had saved up a month later, and proposed to her. On April 20th, 2003, five days before my 23rd birthday, we were married. Getting engaged so quickly was foolish, as was having such a short engagement, but it was the best decision that I made in my life.

Two months later, I got an apartment, and was able to move my new wife in. That first year, Trina broke me of my alcohol addiction, and managed to break me of a growing addiction to online games. When my first four years in the military was over, I re-enlisted. At the end of the fifth year, I received a medical discharge with full honors and no requirement to serve extra time in an inactive status.

When I was released from the military, I moved in with the sister who had brought Trina and me together, and began going to school to get a degree in computer science. After a few setbacks financially, my sister had to give up her house, and we moved into separate apartments in a near-by city. Eventually, I found Steve Pavlina’s site, which set me on the path to personal development. Besides starting to practice time management techniques, my first step was to identify my life purpose, which was a process that took me a few months. Eventually, while watching a five year anniversary special about the attacks of September 11ths, 2001, I identified my purpose, which is to bring peace to everybody.

This blog is my first real step to realizing my purpose. It started out as a place for people to ask random questions and get scientific answers, such as why the sky is blue, or why printers seem to always jam when you’re in a hurry. Borrowing off of my wife’s debate skills, I named the first blog AskTrina. After identifying my purpose, though, I changed the format to one of personal development and peace, and changed the domain name when I had the money to rent a server to host the site on.

This blog is just one step in my goal to bring peace to everybody. Another goal which I have is to become a public speaker and a published author, though those steps are on stand-by until I can make enough residual income on this blog that I don’t need a ‘job.’ I don’t want to have to speak for money, nor do I want to be a starving author until I can get a book published, so this blog is a necessary first step, and it will continue to be a vital part of my purpose, because of the ease and speed of communication.

I blog because I love the medium, method, and results. If I can help one person to acheive peace, no matter how little money I gain from it, then I am happy. Part of my purpose comes from guilt, from failing in my last purpose. I suppose that failure was inevitable, but that does not lessen the pain that the failure caused, nor does it weaken the lessons learned from it. Part of my purpose comes from fear, that if more people do not find inner peace, then perhaps the idea of peace will be impossible to fathom by future generations. Mostly, though, my purpose comes from love, love for each of my readers… Love for each stranger that I pass on the street… Love even for those who have hurt me in the past, or seek to hurt me now. I want everybody to be safe and free, which is possible when they acheive inner peace.

I’d like to tag Jeff Lilly at DruidJournal.net with the same question asked of me. Jeff, why do you blog?