Adam’s Peace

Let me start out by asking a simple question.

If a child in your family were sexually molested, would you be able to forgive their abuser?

Just take a moment to ponder that question in your head while I relate to you the story of my childhood.

Early Years

When I was born in 1980, I was already in a dysfunctional family. My father had just gotten back from several years in Germany, where he was stationed while he was a soldier in the U.S. Army. Because of their financial situation, my mother was unable to move to Germany as well, so lived apart from my father with my two older sisters.

In 1981, my mother met a man who she fell in love with. Now, this was no surprise, as the relationship between my mother and father was already over after I was born… the only thing remaining to tie them together was a marriage certificate and the mutual inability to provide for us children if they were ever divorced.

In 1982, this man began to physically abuse me.

In 1983, this man was put in jail, and my parents divorced. My father got full custody, with monthly, supervised visitation for my mother (later to be weekly and unsupervised as I became more independent).

In 1985, I began kindergarten. I also began hearing that the man who was in jail had abused my sisters sexually. I didn’t know what that meant at the time… just that it was very bad, based on the tone that those rare, serious conversations took.

In first grade, I began acting out in school. I became bored easily, and I had trouble making friends. I was the favorite target of bullies, as I simply would not stick up for myself. It was explained to me that I was acting up because I had been abused as an infant.

The Step-Mom

In second grade, 1987, my father remarried. Out of courtesy, I’ll simply say that if it was difficult to raise two teenager girls and a seven year old boy, then it was only more difficult to enter that situation without any experience with raising any children.

Fortunately, I had an excuse to fall back on… “I had been abused, remember? That affected my personality, remember? My sisters were abused too… worse than I was… and I was around, so I knew what it was like. That means that I could be pretty messed up… but I’m only kind-of messed up.” For a child in second grade, this was advanced, infallible logic.

If we skip ahead to my High School years, what do you think we would find?

I’ll tell you exactly. I had very little self-esteem. I blamed my step-mom for my every problem, except for those that I could blame on the mysterious figure who was sitting in jail somewhere. Although, I couldn’t remember this man’s face at the time… yet he was still to blame for my problems. I had absolutely no self discipline. If I was not interested in a task, I simply could not make myself do it. I wouldn’t even try. If a class had primarily classwork and no homework, I would often get a perfect score. If there was ever a homework assignment, I simply would not even attempt it. I was one of the smartest students at my school… all of my teachers told me so… yet I consistently got the worst grades in most of my classes.

Turning Points

Oh, I’ve had many turning points since then. I’ve needed many turning points. I didn’t get involved in drugs because I was too scared of getting caught. I was a good kid because my self esteem was too low. I was in danger of committing suicide, except for the fear of getting caught.

My first turning point was when I was sent to a charter school. It was a wonderful environment, with classes mixed with the brightest and dimmest of minds that had ever had the good fortune to be kicked out of the public education system. Topics were presented in ways that appealed to the people who had grown to detest the mainstream. Of course, the dimmest of minds still failed their classes, but at least they learned in the process. The brightest of minds had a real chance to show what they had been hiding for years, which made all of the difference for me.

The second turning point was when I joined the Army. Even though I had finally passed High School, looking back now, I realized that I still had a lot of growing and learning to do. The biggest difference from then to now is, now I know that I have a lot left to learn. Then, I thought I knew it all. The Army helped me to humble myself enough to begin growing.

The third turning point was when I got married. That was a precious, wonderful moment for me; one which I have always cherished, and which I will always continue to cherish. Of course marriage continues to bring its own challenges and rewards, but the challenges are always worth facing. The rewards are always worth striving for.

The fourth turning point was when I was released from the Army. As much as the Army tore me apart and built me back up again, it also supplied me with its own foundation. I always had a place to live, and always had food to eat… Now, I had to find my own house, buy my own food. This is where I really and truly struggled.

Back to Basics

This fourth turning point really hit me hard. I had never really dealt with the demons of my past, and I never realized just how deeply I was affected by them. I never had to be completely responsible for myself before, and I was a bit surprised to find that I was lacking.

After a few months of working for nearly minimum wage, cleaning toilets at a retail store, I had to take stock of my situation more deeply than I ever have before. My marriage was falling apart… I was slipping behind on bills… I was becoming extremely depressed again, and something had to change.

The first step that I took was to figure out what I was doing that was hurting me. I already had a few addictions that were hurting me, and I was in the middle of an addiction to online games as well as recently recovering from yet another round of alcoholism. I was also becoming obsessive over other activities, which were close to being addictions as well. My first step was to stop these addictions.

This first step, though, only acted as a bandage over a much deeper problem. It certainly helped with what was wrong right then, but it did nothing to solve the patterns of behavior that got me addicted and left me an irresponsible slob in the first place.

I had to dig deeper, and in order to do that, I had to travel into my past. Into the deep dark past that I had all but forgotten.

The Question, Again

Now, I would like to rephrase the question… If your anger, self pity, and addictive behaviors were all tied to a person who molested children in your family, would you be able to forgive them so that you could move on and begin to enjoy your life?

That is exactly what I found my problem to be. At a very young age, I had learned how to avoid my problems rather than deal with them… The person responsible was, of course, myself. However, I blamed the mysterious figure who’s face I can’t even remember, and this blame kept me from moving forward and fixing my problems.

I was asked the first version of this question on a message board a couple of days ago, and I was attacked for my answer. I was the only person who would be willing to forgive the worst among us… I was ashamed of why I forgave, though… which kept me open for that attack. I forgave my mystery abuser for selfish reasons. If I didn’t forgive him, my life would have been absolutely ruined.

A Monk’s Insight

I can’t take credit for putting this concept eloquently… Albert Foong of Urban Monk said it much better than I can ever say it. I can’t find the specific post where he made this distinction, so you might as well head over and read every single one of his articles. Yes, they really are that good.

In short, everybody has to deal with two versions of everybody else: Their objective self and their subjective self. You have to deal with that person, and you have to deal with your own ideas of that person.

Consciousness is vastly limited. Our topmost thoughts can only deal with the most abstract of concepts… So, our subconscious mind builds a “paper doll” of everybody who we have relationships with. The more detailed the relationship, the more detailed the paper doll… but the paper doll is about as lacking in true dimension as a photograph. It is simply a flat representation… what we expect, not what is really there.

Well, my problem was that I had built a monster of a paper doll in my early childhood, and this paper doll held all of my fears. Since I didn’t have an actual objective person to match this paper doll up to, it began to become attached to everybody… especially people who I couldn’t see. I developed a phobia of phones, because I couldn’t see the person on the other end. Another phobia that I developed was a fear of authority figures… which later turned into a stubborn subconscious defiance. I developed that phobia of authority figures because the paper doll monster was an adult, and was created when I was still quite young… when all adults were authorities. I can tell you, this phobia and defiance has certainly gotten me into trouble; especially while in the military.

The good news is, though, that when your forgive someone, you are only affecting your mental image of them. Your forgiveness can not create an actual physical change in someone else, unless you tell them directly that they are forgiven… yet the same act of forgiveness which has so little affect on the physical world has profound affects on the subjective world. You are literally re-writing the paper doll’s scripts by forgiving them.

By forgiving my mystery abuser, I rewrote the monster paper doll’s past… Instead of a creature that simply wanted to hurt, I was able to change it to a creature that was sorry that it had hurt… then to a creature that didn’t want to cause any more suffering.

That is the true power of forgiveness. By forgiving someone, your change your mental image of them into something that is worthy of forgiveness. I will most likely never meet my abuser again… and I am alright with that, even though it means never forgiving him to his face. If I do meet him, I’ll have to make a brand new paper doll for him, then forgive it as well… but forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting when your own safety is at stake. Forgiveness means accepting what was done in the past and overcoming it… improving from it.

The Final Question

So, with that further insight, let me ask this question again:

If you could recognize that you are blaming other people for problems in your life, would you be able to confront your mental image of them and forgive it, no matter how much suffering they have caused, and how much suffering they may continue to cause?

Forgiveness isn’t about making the person who made you suffer feel better. Forgiveness is about allowing you to move past blaming others and allowing you to charge of your life. Maybe forgiveness can actually make a better person of that other person, since guilt can be a powerful motivator for those who can recognize it. For the truly and habitually abusive though, I would just forgive and walk away.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 at 8:56 am and is filed under Inner Peace, Relationships, Pragmatic Peace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.