Lack of Peace
I’m not feeling particularly peaceful today. I wasn’t feeling peaceful yesterday either.
I’m not particularly conflicted right now, but I’m not at peace either.
I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m not angry or joyful. I’m not feeling deep or shallow.
Right now, I just am.
It is hard to write about peace when you’re not at peace. If I had any other emotion, I would be able to work it into peace… I’m not even empty, just simply not full. If I were empty, I would be able to fill my time with short term activities, so that I could feel pleasure. Once I had pleasure, I could work towards joy. Through joy comes the afterglow of peace. Right now, I wish that I had an empty feeling, so that I could work towards peace.
I’m not hungry, but neither am I full. If I were hungry, I could experience the pleasure of eating, as well as the joy of eating something healthy. I wish I were hungry. Instead, I just feel neutral.
Feeling neutral isn’t pleasant, but neither is it unpleasant. It simply is. I’m not stationary, otherwise I would be able to put myself in motion, which would lead to peace. I wish I were stationary. I wish I were in motion. If I were feeling shallow, I would engage in deep thought. Right now, I feel as if I could contemplate the mysteries of the universe, if only I had a direction.
I feel like I’m in a time of waiting. Something will happen, but it isn’t happening now. If I rushed to meet that something, it will not come, so I wait. There is activity around me, with many people bustling with energy, direction, and purpose. For now, though, I am just waiting.
It is someone else’s turn to make a decision. Maybe not right when I hit the publish button, but some time afterwards, perhaps even months down the line as someone reads this in the archives. Someone else will take action… Must take action… if only because they see someone else waiting.
I feel like crying, yet I am not sad. I feel like laughing, though I don’t find anything funny. At best, my eyes are stinging slightly with the tears behind them as I smirk at the irony. I have potential energy, bubbling up from withing, but there is no direction for the energy to go, and it will not be grounded away.
So, I wait, as the other actors play their roles. I wait for my cue, so that I can give someone else their cue. Perhaps this is someone’s cue. Is it yours?
maybe you’re at an equilibrium point of yin/yang and just ready to shift. With as much as you write about wanting to find peace, I’m kind of surprised that you’re not more interested in learning about, or taking a more active approach toward Eastern thought, and/or Buddhism. I’m sure you have your reasons. But it might be something worth digging into.
Maybe it is an equilibrium. I certainly don’t feel balanced, though. It feels more like the calm before a large storm, where the energy is just building, but it doesn’t have anywhere to go, and you can’t tell where the energy is coming from.
I have thought about Eastern philosophies quite a bit… There are quite a few aspects that I really like, and that apply universally regardless of culture. There are a few spiritual events in my past, though, that I can not ignore… I’ll write a post real quick about what those experiences where and how they’re keeping me from pursuing Eastern religions.